Amber Mattingly

Yesterday, our YTT (Yoga Teacher Training) Team watched a TED talk titled, “The Gift of Inadequacy.”
You can watch that here….

So, today I am thinking about the whole “I am not enough” line of thought that most women fight to overcome. I must admit that I don’t readily connect to that line of thought because I consistently hear the message that I am “TOO MUCH” for people. I am too goodie goody. I am too fit. I am too pretty….to be a minister. (I heard this at an interview for a pastor position and told to robe up to cover the fact that I exercise. I declined further interviews.) I am too direct in my speech. I am too intense. No one can live up to my standards. No one wants to marry a saint.
Too much compared to what? Not Enough compared to what? There is the common thread….comparison.

Light it on fire…..(seriously, you need to watch the video)

I have seen a trend in my relating with other women. I will refer to my friends who believe they are not enough as EN. Most of the time, I feel like my “too muchness” stokes the fire of others “not enoughness” and we both get burned. To compensate for this, I try and make myself smaller to boost and promote the EN in the relationship. I feel successful in making a new friend and EN feels great about herself. Recognizing a job well done and a friendship formed, then I feel comfortable to be myself. Out I come, full steam ahead and then, SLAM. Relationship ended and I am called a bitch…not to my face, of course, which would be less hurtful. Here is what I learned…making myself smaller did not work, being myself did not work, so what will work??? There has to be a third way where both TM and EN feel liberated!!

I don’t have the answer. I am probably incorrect in looking for AN ANSWER. Probably situational. Probably person by person.
But here are 2 things that can’t hurt to employ more of:

1-humility
I can appear to have all the answers only because I can make quick decisions. I know that my decisions may not always be correct but if a situation calls for lots of decisions to be made quickly, then I am your girl. What I struggle to remember to say is that I am fully aware that my decisions might not be correct and that I am OK with that. Without saying that, I appear arrogant. Approach me later and I will own my bad decisions along with all the good ones😊. Or in the summer when I plan projects for my kids to create and keep my kids engaged with activities, people see SUPER MOM. Nope. I am coping just like you and I know what works best for my kids. My daughter loves projects and my son who has autism needs a schedule of activities. I don’t want to hear my son ask the same question or tell me the same interesting fact 8,000 times (in 1 hour), so I take him to the waterpark and watch him laugh his head off!

2-Empathetic Listening<<
hink humility bleeds into empathetic listening because you can’t listen for the person’s words, body language, emotions and respond without mindfully participating in the conversation. Truth: I am not good at empathetic listening unless you set up time with me. I am a multitasking, 1 million ideas flashing through my brain, focused on the goal ahead kind of person and if you share something important in passing, I miss seeing you and your need. I want to work on being present and put more tools on my tool belt, but to be safe, if you need to chat, let’s have coffee😊

Women’s relationships are hard because of the comparison trap that we fall into so easily. I fall into the pit when I see friends succeed where I hoped I would find myself, so we are in this together. Let’s just not kill each other before we find a way to love each other.