Yesterday, our YTT (Yoga Teacher Training) Team watched a TED talk titled, “The Gift of Inadequacy.”
You can watch that here….
So, today I am thinking about the whole “I am not enough” line of thought that most women fight to overcome. I must admit that I don’t readily connect to that line of thought because I consistently hear the message that I am “TOO MUCH” for people. I am too goodie goody. I am too fit. I am too pretty….to be a minister. (I heard this at an interview for a pastor position and told to robe up to cover the fact that I exercise. I declined further interviews.) I am too direct in my speech. I am too intense. No one can live up to my standards. No one wants to marry a saint.
Too much compared to what? Not Enough compared to what? There is the common thread….comparison.
Light it on fire…..(seriously, you need to watch the video)
I have seen a trend in my relating with other women. I will refer to my friends who believe they are not enough as EN. Most of the time, I feel like my “too muchness” stokes the fire of others “not enoughness” and we both get burned. To compensate for this, I try and make myself smaller to boost and promote the EN in the relationship. I feel successful in making a new friend and EN feels great about herself. Recognizing a job well done and a friendship formed, then I feel comfortable to be myself. Out I come, full steam ahead and then, SLAM. Relationship ended and I am called a bitch…not to my face, of course, which would be less hurtful. Here is what I learned…making myself smaller did not work, being myself did not work, so what will work??? There has to be a third way where both TM and EN feel liberated!!
I don’t have the answer. I am probably incorrect in looking for AN ANSWER. Probably situational. Probably person by person.
But here are 2 things that can’t hurt to employ more of:
I can appear to have all the answers only because I can make quick decisions. I know that my decisions may not always be correct but if a situation calls for lots of decisions to be made quickly, then I am your girl. What I struggle to remember to say is that I am fully aware that my decisions might not be correct and that I am OK with that. Without saying that, I appear arrogant. Approach me later and I will own my bad decisions along with all the good ones😊. Or in the summer when I plan projects for my kids to create and keep my kids engaged with activities, people see SUPER MOM. Nope. I am coping just like you and I know what works best for my kids. My daughter loves projects and my son who has autism needs a schedule of activities. I don’t want to hear my son ask the same question or tell me the same interesting fact 8,000 times (in 1 hour), so I take him to the waterpark and watch him laugh his head off!
hink humility bleeds into empathetic listening because you can’t listen for the person’s words, body language, emotions and respond without mindfully participating in the conversation. Truth: I am not good at empathetic listening unless you set up time with me. I am a multitasking, 1 million ideas flashing through my brain, focused on the goal ahead kind of person and if you share something important in passing, I miss seeing you and your need. I want to work on being present and put more tools on my tool belt, but to be safe, if you need to chat, let’s have coffee😊
Women’s relationships are hard because of the comparison trap that we fall into so easily. I fall into the pit when I see friends succeed where I hoped I would find myself, so we are in this together. Let’s just not kill each other before we find a way to love each other.