I spent a considerable amount of time on the First Agreement: Be Impeccable with your words. I am moving through the others more quickly because after contemplating my words, I realized that the 2nd and 3rd Agreement build upon the 1st. If I am impeccable with my words, then I use my words in the way of truth and love providing a protective boundary between myself and your words. This boundary allows me to step back and consider if your words resonate as truth within me and dismissing any words that don’t ring true or don’t convey love. On the other hand, I also have time to consider if your words touch a deep place within me that needs healing, holds pain or is trapped in fear. I don’t immediately attach to your words and take them personally: the 2nd Agreement.
The third agreement reads like this: Do Not Assume. Recently, I was a part of a conversation that elevated emotions and made a situation into a major emergency. The conversation went something like this….
Friend: He told her that our organization could not do that or we would lose people.
Me: Who are these people that we would lose?
Friend: Well, he talks to this certain group and it sounds like something they would say so I am pretty confident that this entire group got together and decided to be against our organizations initiative.
Me: They are always against everything.
Friend: We will figure it out. I just need to talk to a few people to see how far this idea has spread.
How many conversations go almost exactly like that?! How many assumptions did we make? I think if I asked you to go back and circle all the assumptions that you probably would just circle the entire conversation. In the end, the right questions were asked to the initial person that shared a concern and 0% of the assumptions were correct.
Why did we do this to ourselves?!
Here is what Do Not Assume means…..Be impeccable with your words by ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS. If you don’t understand, ask another question. More Questions. Less Drama.
2 responses to “The Third Agreement”
I find that assumptions are very damaging to a relationship. I have a friend who assumes the worst about everything & it is very frustrating to have a conversation with her.
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I understand that completely! Some of us grow up in households that modeled assuming the worst and it is very hard to break that pattern. Awareness is key!